Simon. 

Quotes from the corridor...

"It's a true pleasure to have met the one and only Wimbledon fan."


Simon, an enigma to many, but to some, simply tall. The photograph above shows him in his standard regalia; almost a uniform if you will. He restrains himself usually, relying on his knowledge of social convention. But then, with a mutter of "I'm off to bed," you can guarantee that within a matter of minutes, you'll be able to look into the corridor and see him whirling around like a frenzied carousel, singing Robbie Williams' classic Angels. As I understand it, it's an attempt to recreate something from Dances With Wolves mayhaps, though in my opinion he is simply insane.

So, who is Simon exactly? If you've read properly earlier, you wouldn't need to ask such stupid questions. But, to elaborate, he is responsible for two revolutionary actions which have changed our world. Firstly, he's responsible for maintaining Kellogs' 16554% profit over the last few years, and secondly, he is sometimes known as the Cow Vampire, as he can sometimes be seen late at night suckling cows in dark fields until they're DEAD.

He hopes to try and break down class inhibitions by destroying the Easy-Peel stickers which adorn his copy of Jackie each week. He's a whiskey drinking man, which some may respect, but I think is DISGUSTING, and consequently, he has no internal organs to speak of. Every so often, you'll hear a strange, unearthly rumbling emenating from his torso-region, just south of Wensleydale. But don't be alarmed. It's just his bones being dissolved by the amount of destructive fluids he carries around with him, like some hideous pet.

And I think when it comes down to it, that's all you need to know about the man.

For God's sake, visit another room!